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WARNING

This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...
THIS IS NOT THE BLOG YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Thursday, May 2, 2013

BDSM titles and why they are slippery


I'm thinking I may be more "rambly" than usual here, but I can't bring myself to be upset, because I'm often rambly lmao.

Terms, terms. The English language sure is pretty crazy. Add a subculture's language and it can get worse. Now I admit, you can go to Wikipedia. They even have a page of BDSM terminology (and I'm tickled to see I actually like their definition for "slave" better than many a BDSM site's I've read.) However, I'd rather point you to definitions on sites written by BDSM practitioners.

From a site that has pages that I want to explore a lot more later for my own interest and education: I found these definitions of "submissive" and "slave."

"submissive: An individual who gives up power in a BDSM relationship for the mutual pleasure of those involved."

"slave: Often used interchangeably with submissive. However, generally reflecting a more intense level of submission or non-sexual or sexual-plus submission. For example, a slave might be someone who remains in a 24-hour-per-day submission and cooks, cleans and, otherwise, takes care of a dominant's house. See submissive."

This is amazing in that the "slave" definition doesn't irritate or offend me; a long time ago, I'd stopped looking at definition sites like this unless I was specifically looking up something I didn't know- like yesterday, I was doing a survey and found I didn't have a clue what they meant by "skin stapling" (also defined in the glossary on the linked site). Yes, "slave" tends to be more intense that "submissive." There are those possibilities for 24/7, whatever that looks like in any given relationship.

From another site I found. I admit, I'm not as interested in checking out the rest of the website (at the bottom of the page are the links to the other pages on the site) because they did a specific thing I hate. No matter how a Master/slave couple live, no matter how they might role play, consensual BDSM slavery is not the same thing as chattel slavery. From my US perspective, no African consented to be ripped from their family, their life and brought over to the colonies, then the US before the Civil War and the passage of the 13, 14, 15th Amendments to the Constitution. But now compare the two definitions for submissive, the two for slave. How different they are!

"submissive- The person not in charge, the one that has things done to them by someone else. To yield to the control or power of another."

"Slavegirl/boy- A title/term for those that "live" as a submissive. Webster's- A human being who is owned as property by another; a person having no freedom or personal rights."

Now let's look at slave. That's the identity I wear- although when I'm talking non-BDSM practitioners, I tend to use "lifestyle submissive"- it hurts "their" heads slightly less. I've seen things like "subs have a choice, slaves don't." Really? I gave up any right or ability to make choices when I accepted my Master's collar? That was never something He and I agreed to. It's not even something He wants! He'll even tease, sometimes get irritated with me if I start asking permission for every little thing, like some BDSM erotic novel slave. Sure, I'm not likely to tell Him no directly, unless it's on something really important to me that I believe in- He and I don't agree entirely on parenting practices and there have been some arguments in which I didn't submissively accept His opinion on something. In the "slavegirl/boy" definition, the one I don't entirely care for, you notice the "live" as a submissive part, right? Pretty ambiguous, if you ask me?

So we looked at definitions around submissive/slave- two of the most debated words in my experience in the BDSM community. Online forums have given me much amusement debate watching. Often it starts innocently. A person new to BDSM, new to a group will ask a question like "What's the difference between a Daddy and a Dom?" She/he/ze doesn't mean to start an argument, doesn't mean to have people get their feelings hurt. The conversation will go well for awhile, with people thoughtfully sharing THEIR experience and claiming it as such. Then someone will make a generalization about some group. And in my experience, it's not just a generalization, but a fairly offensive one. Then the "I'm a ___, but that isn't MY reality" type sentences might start. One of the most common mistakes I see is where someone who identifies as dominant gets put out by someone who identifies as submissive - however these two roles are specifically called by them- usually something like "you're not showing me proper respect." I've managed this one. I may identify as a slave, but I'm only my Master's slave. He doesn't expect nor indeed wish me to submit to any dominant besides Him- this matches well with my wishes, which are to be just show a regular level of manners to any person who isn't Him. Yup, just because your screen name is capitalized and mine isn't doesn't mean a thing to me.

I'll share a story that I didn't on Tuesday- in the assumptions' post. Because I have a Master, because I live in a Master/slave relationship, I hear some pretty funny- at least to me- assumptions of what my life would be like. One friend, also a BDSM practitioner, assumed I would always be naked- because of the M/s dynamic. Well always being naked might work in a BDSM erotic novel, but not the world I live in. We have a teen, we have dogs, there's cooking for me to do... all sorts of things that require me to wear clothes! Plus I do regularly leave the house, and there are public decency laws to be concerned with.

So a term I used earlier... what is a Daddy? I want to send you to a website: http://a-little-understanding.webs.com/whatisadaddydom.htm Please take the time to read the whole page (even the whole site would be good). The first paragraph does give the largest part of the definition, however the last paragraph "Daddy-Dom vs. Master"- well wow! think I have a Daddy, not a Master. However, both He and I are far more comfortable with the term Master. Yes, He does take care of me a lot; I have serious and chronic health issues that mean sometimes He has to order me to do things (like feed myself before Him so my blood sugar doesn't crash) that I don't want to do. He can be rather stern when I start to quibble- "But Master! I'm not really hungry yet. I can get Your food cooking first, Master." Yes, I can even get quite a childish whine going sometimes. And if we're going to focus on the age play mention in the definition, well I carry a pink kid's backpack, have coloring books, love Jelly Bellies, wear clothes we bought in the teen girls' section of the store. When I wanted to have a pair of footy pajamas, we didn't have to go to a special website/store catering to age-players; we went to the local Target and found a set of size 14 pink pajamas with cupcakes on it.

As a friend said when we were chatting: "maybe that's the key that really dom, master, daddy, etc don't necessarily stick to the title. they are just terms to help others identify and understand relationships as openly as poly or open or any other words that relationships can be defined with." (I added some punctuation to help with chatted comment's understandability :D.

I shared the "naked all the time" assumption, but it really is much more than that. I stand to be misunderstood on all sorts of things. Of course- as a slave- I get the "doormat" assumption even more than someone who just considers hir/her/himself to be a submissive. Wanna take the moment to scroll back up to my rant about capitalized screen names? Yeah, I so am not a doormat. I will follow normal societal expectations on manners, but that's it. I'm careful where I go online because any place where "all submissives must appropriately address all Dominants" is not somewhere I want to be. When my Master and I used to go to science-fiction conventions regularly, I amused Him many a time by ripping into some unsuspecting dork who got the wrong idea because of my collar and tried to order me to do something. And that's the thing- sub, submissive, slave, little girl, sissy, whatever s-type-word you want to use- are seen by most as weak. At the risk of sounding trite, making the active decision to put someone else's needs and wants before your own isn't always an easy choice to make. And just because I don't lead my primary intimate relationship doesn't mean I can't lead other things. A friend of mine who identifies as a Top once commented to me- on an acquaintance's disbelief that I'm a submissive, based on my behavior he'd seen never around my Master- on how many BDSM organizations are led by submissives.

But then, as I was doing laundry, I was thinking- does it really matter? Whether I'm a slave, a little, a submissive... what does it really matter as long as the Man I've submitted to is happy?



12 comments:

  1. Excellent, this was very well written and highly informative. However, most of all I love how you ended this post - "But then, as I was doing laundry, I was thinking- does it really matter? Whether I'm a slave, a little, a submissive... what does it really matter as long as the Man I've submitted to is happy?"

    I know a few uninformed people who I will direct to your site.

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    1. thanks, Will. But yes, before the friend I was chatting with as I was editing and re-writing this blog even said the thing I quoted from her, that thought was really in my mind. I also liked another BDSM friend's recent vent about "there's no rule book." The day a website, a book, another person's opinion becomes more important than my Master's, that's the day there's a problem.
      I've gone around in my head, in forums if I'll talk to Him about it. Probably won't; allergy med head will probably make Him even less interested in hearing something He doesn't care about lol. Because in part, I get my "does it really matter" opinion from Him- it doesn't really matter to Him other than I finish my sentences with "Master" when we're not around vanillas.

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    2. this is going to be rather long (just a warning) i think its why joelle and i get along so well, is we can both rant for hours when something pushes our buttons! lol (luv ya girl)
      i am in a D/s relationship, i do call my Dominant Daddy and i found this post one day and really enjoyed it. So from here i will quote that post. It will probably be in multiple replies because of the length but is worth the read.

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    3. "The misconceptions surrounding this aspect of D/s. Most think that it involves a father/daughter relationship. That isn't quite true, Daddy/little girl is a much different level. First you should say that in my relationship my Dom is not my father, he is nothing like my father, and i have no need for him to replace my father. He is however my Daddy. You dont need to engage in age play specifically ( beyond the occasional school girl fantasy ) i am always all woman, and always a very independent woman. Daddy does have the ability to make me feel like a little girl, however, a very cherished and sometimes needy little girl. It is a feeling that i will revel in, it is the safest place i have ever been, and it allows me the freedom to be all that i am without fear of reprisals.
      So..what makes my Daddy Dom? First and foremost he loves his little girl. She is his prized possession. His eyes light up when she walks into the room and he takes great pride in her successes. After all, he helped to create her. She holds the most tender part of his heart and has the greatest power to hurt him. Seeing her hurt however is not something a Daddy Dom wants. He sees it as his job to protect her, both from the outside world and herself. He may love to cause her great pain in a scene, but he hates to be the one to hurt her emotionally. It hurts him to have to punish her , but he knows it is sometimes necessary. This takes great strength on his part. It takes strength to control her, and to shape her to his needs and desires. It takes strength to be her confidant, her shoulder, her anchor. It takes strength to let her out into the world when all he wants to do is hold her safe in his arms. And it takes strength to do what is necessary when she needs to be disciplined.
      A Daddy Dom knows the value of discipline, though at times his soft heart gets the best of him. He knows that in order for his little girl to be the best she can possibly be he must stand firm. He uses his experience in life and his knowledge of her to provide proper direction and punishment when the need arises. He knows this hurts her, and that tears at his heart, but he also knows it is for her own good.
      A Daddy Dom provides something else that is very important to his submissive..acceptance. She is safe in his arms because he knows her, everything about her, and he still loves her. When she goes to him she knows that this man knows all of her dirty little secrets and it doesn't matter. To him she is beautiful.
      Many may be thinking what separates a Daddy Dom from any other Dom. In most cases very little. Hopefully all Doms provide love, strength, protection, discipline, and acceptance. Daddy Doms should be a kinder, gentler, Dom. There is something infinitely magical about a Daddy Dom. Perhaps it is something only a little girl can understand.
      So, what are these qualities? What is a Daddy Dom? A Daddy Dom wants to be the center of your universe. He wants to be able to provide for your every need and care. But more than that he wants to be able to shape and mold you to the image he thinks you should become. He sees in you someone who, in his mind, can achieve a much higher, much greater status. He believes more in you than you believe in yourself. What he wants in return is to be able to bask in his image of you, the image he has created. How does he achieve his goals? Through love, respect, and discipline. His love for his little girl goes without saying.
      Daddy/little girl does not refer to the ages, real or pretend, of the participants. Nor does it imply closet desires. It refers to the environment that two people have created. A Daddy Dom is so named because of the qualities he possesses and the service he provides.

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  2. He accepts every part of you and works to emphasize the good while improving the bad. He loves you as much for who you are, and as for who you will become with his guidance. It is this love that allows him to train you. He could not invest so much of himself in someone he did not love completely. This love would not be possible without respect.
    A Daddy Dom needs to feel great pride in his possession. He needs to know you can hold your own in the outside world and still submit to him. He holds the greatest respect for the gift she has given him and takes great pains to increase it's value. It is extremely important to him to know she can be with any man and yet she chooses to be with him. He knows that this makes discipline a priority in their lives, more important than in some other D/s relationships.
    In order for the little girl to really trust she must know Daddy means what he says. He must constantly deepen her respect for him. If he does not enforce discipline, this respect becomes a tenuous thing. If you the submissive finds that your can manipulate Daddy out of punishing her, she begins to lose respect and the ability to empower becomes impeded. ( This Daddy cannot happen)
    He needs to empower her as much as he wants to possess her and it becomes increasingly difficult to be possessed by someone you do not respect. The discipline is also important when it comes to her protection, both from those outside the relationship and those within. Daddy is the one who makes the decisions about how she will relate to the world in general and his discipline ensures that she follows these rules. All Doms have a bit of the Daddy in them, taking on the role of male authority figure in their submissive's life and using their power to enrich that life. Daddy/little girl verbalizes that feeling, and adds a dimension of warmth, caring, and ritual that it's participants crave.
    This special bond is your safe place to also run and hide- when the real world in which you live now becomes too frightening , You have a Daddy to hold onto ....
    And .....In every girl's life, there is a force, a presence, a Daddy, a Dominant she lives and breathes to love and honor. A Top is for tonight, a Dom is for however long they're needed, a Master as long as they seek Mastery, but a Daddy is forever!"
    i loved this post so much, because really the fundamental thing is that Daddy Doms do love to spoil their little girls. They are more understanding when we make mistakes or when we purposefully "poke the bear".

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  3. There is also a second section explaining how to care for your little girl. i will quote it as well, just to show the point of view for both sides.

    "Most all babygirls love to be spoiled ! And its not all who wish to be spoiled monetarily . Some want cuddles , praise for a job well done , some want extra Daddy time when the world is tough and just need that extra special touch that only a Daddy can have on her ... and no thats not guided towards a sexual nature ... because not all Daddy / lg relationships consist of sex , but most do , that depends on Y/your relationship ...

    Babygirls just need all the special love and cuddles You can give them , some want it 24/7 , while others can go for days and not have their "little" need the attention ....

    If You've never had a babygirl to care for , please do read all You can on the subject , chat to friends in this lifestyle , but above all.... speak with your " little " because in the end of it all... she is the one who will make You the happiest ... being a "little " / " babygirl " has it's own very special rewards !

    Things Y/you may not already know to do for her
    As Y/you have already read in the pages before this one ( and i do hope that Y/you have read the pages before this one and not just skipped to this page ) babygirls are not an incestious dirty lil secret . We are loving adult females whom just need special care from time to time . For some its 24/7 , others its an on again off again type of roleplay . My own care is 24/7 however " smiles " So for that reason i thought i would write something on the care of your babygirl . Again these are only my opinions and things that have helped my Daddy to care better for me or things He's shown me over time that work .
    This will help in any relationship , whether lifestyle or nilla ...

    When she stares at you for no reason
    ask whats on her mind , because something is there on her mind and she wants You to know

    When she pushes you or challenges you
    smile , and hold her , tell her You know this game and play with her , most " littles " love to wrestle about whether mental or physical

    When she starts tryin to act all tuff
    Kiss her and tell her you love her , hold her tightly and don't let go

    When she's quiet
    Ask her whats wrong , hardly any " little " I know is quiet unless something is wrong

    When she ignores you
    Give her your attention , in a positive way , she needs You most then

    When she pulls away
    [ Pull her back and don't let her go till the issue is resolved ]

    When you see her at her worst
    Tell her she's beautiful , and make her believe You , is those days when she will love You best

    When she doesn't see herself beautiful , make her see herself thru Your eyes

    When you see her start crying
    Just hold her and dont say a word , this one is the most important of all i think
    When you see her walking away
    grab her and don't let go, tickle her , kiss her and make her feel loved

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  4. When she's scared
    Protect her , " littles " have fears , especially when she feels her world as a " little " is threatened !

    When she steals your favorite hat or shirt
    Let her keep it and sleep with it , put some of Your cologne on it , make it a special gift she's taken

    When she teases you
    Tease her back and make her laugh , play with your babygirl , sometimes " littles " tease as a way to get to know Daddy

    When she doesn't answer for a long time
    reassure her that everything is okay , give her time , she may have a fear of talking to You

    When she looks at you with doubt
    Back yourself up , always make sure You're consistant , that builds a firm foundation for her to stand on

    When she says that she loves you
    SHE REALLY DOES MORE THAN YOU COULD UNDERSTAND!!!

    When she grabs at your hands
    Hold her's and play with her fingers , " littles " love Daddy's hands

    When she bumps into you;
    bump into her back and make her laugh , she is seeking attention , give it to her

    When she tells you a secret
    keep it safe and untold , even if its a dark secret of her's , she has trusted You to keep it

    When she looks at you in your eyes
    dont look away until she does , she wants to see herself in You

    When she says it's over
    she still wants You to be hers and she wants to be Yours , but something has happened to make her afraid , she is Your " little" for forever

    If she calls You out of the blue
    Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.

    If there is an argument
    When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go , When she says she's ok don't believe it, talk with her because 10 yrs later she'll remember

    Call her or wake her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

    Treat her like she's all that matters to you

    Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

    Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid. When she cries kiss away her tears

    When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is; "Whose ass am I kicking baby?"

    If she can't sleep , read her a story

    When her hair needs brushing before bed , grab her brush , have her sit below You and brush her hair slowly , show her her care is indeed something You want too

    give her gifts as a surprise for being a good girl , " littles " love surpises !!"

    And most of that is true although i can't see Daddy reading me a bedtime story lol. But we do love being spoiled, we love to tease, we love to steal His tshirts and wear them around claiming them as our own, we love to snuggle and we love love love attention! And yes surprises are always a good thing, even if its something we need vs something we want.

    I know its a lot but hey I'm sure after seeing some of Joelles rants, you can handle it!

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  5. OH and that part about watching her favorite show with her even if you think its stupid...that's important! My fav is True Blood and He's seen every episode!!!

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  6. And one more thing... i almost forgot...sry joelle... credit should be given when we quote (it's a little early for me) The quoted material is courtesy of Daddy_Knight

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    1. lol Michelle. I was gonna say I thought I'd read this in my researching :D

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    2. I love this part: "You dont need to engage in age play specifically ( beyond the occasional school girl fantasy ) i am always all woman, and always a very independent woman." and this too "We are loving adult females whom just need special care from time to time ."

      I relate to this one on a few levels. Like when rev jeff kept telling me I needed to "renegotiate out of role," as if my submission was something I could take on and off. But yeah, even when I'm embarrassing Shaman and the kid in a store or coloring in my coloring books, I'm still an adult. And the second quote- well if I listened to too much BDSM erotica, I'd still be eating after Shaman, no matter how my blood sugar crashed or against His orders.

      Do you have a link to share for it? I've enjoyed reading those pages, although Shaman and I will never be totally D/lg.

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  7. Michelle asked me to post this for her:

    "The original quote I posted was from fetlife and can be found here.
    https://fetlife.com/users/1276730/posts/972324

    It links to a babygirl and Daddy Dom site that can be found here
    http://babygirlsndaddydoms.webs.com/

    And although I don't think there is a section specific to Daddys and
    babygirls on APEX there is some wonderful info there and it is a very
    informative site covering many aspects of BDSM. You can find that site here
    http://www.albanypowerexchange.com"

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